ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Important
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.