That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.