People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
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Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.