Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
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Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”