30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions