The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
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The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh