I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
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Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
favorite tropes as memes
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal