Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry