When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Put a ring on it
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced