[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.