People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
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My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.