Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
I think my mom just blocked me
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
happy mother’s day❤️
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…