I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me