no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”