If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
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Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.