Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Still cracks me up
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”