I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
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After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Mmmm. Shoeshi
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
why no one uses midhusbands
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.