Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
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Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no