[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
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Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
time machine? you mean a clock?
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
me irl
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it