Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.