Hmm, not sure about this change
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When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
I hope it’s French Onion!
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Name another movie that mislead you?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.