I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Happy thanksgiving
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*