Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
You Might Also Like
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.