Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
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*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
The French cow says MEUX…
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’