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I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?