I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Mad Max Arctic Road
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
There is wisdom there.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes