My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
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It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I have no passwords left in me
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing