Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
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[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.