Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
*pronounces woah like Noah*
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Still writing HBO Max on my checks