It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
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Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.