Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
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google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Goat cheese is for herders.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some