casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
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if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Why I divorced her.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”