NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
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Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
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[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The pen is writier than the sword.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails