My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You Might Also Like
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
A Short Story.
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.