Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.