condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
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[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.