Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change