Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
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Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.