Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
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Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.