On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
You Might Also Like
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.