I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no