I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Wednesday
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Vodka burrito was a success
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.