*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Carpe DM
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.