If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
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*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Monday Lisa
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I have a black belt in leather
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one