Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
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“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.