I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
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me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.