driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
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I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up