kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
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Horrifying if literal: foot locker
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?