“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
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Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad