Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
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therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Alexa, make me look good naked.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
6. me as a lawyer
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens